Chances are, if you’re located somewhere on the East coast, you and I were doing the same thing yesterday morning. It went something like- pulling up the iPhone weather app, staring at that gaping ZERO degrees (or better yet, some big negative sign), and curling up in the smallest ball possible under the largest amount of blankets available.
Can you relate?
Yesterday was a really cold day. Like the coldest I think i’ve experienced, ever. When I turned on the radio and heard “skin exposed,” “five minutes” and “frostbite” I nearly keeled over.
“BRENT, WHERE IS YOUR COAT? WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES? WHERE IS YOUR HAT? YOU ARE NOT GOING TO WORK TODAY. YOU ARE NOT LEAVING THIS HOUSE TODAY.”
What a 6 AM wake-up call, right? I really do have the whole coolest wife thing down.
Well, 30 minute later Brent was out the door, headed to work. (Apparently he felt my threats were empty and my warnings invalid). Luckily, he worked inside, and I was able to make it to my 9AM hair appointment (My justification for braving the cold? A girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do, and, the ever famous, beauty is pain.)
I realized something yesterday. Frostbite. Now this is a fear I have yet to discover. This is something I’ve never freaked out over. Why not start in 2014?
Fear is something that I struggle with, and I’m guessing the feeling hits home with some of you.
When I was nine I was convinced I could not survive life without being kidnapped. Each night for an entire year I would race to my parents with night terrors, and when in bed I couldn’t bear to look at windows or allow any part of my body out from under the covers. When I was in middle school I feared my peers, I longed to be accepted and the worst thing in the world (in my opinion) was embarrassment or repeating my jeans. In high school I wrestled with accepting myself, my greatest fear becoming weight gain. And in college, I feared dating, but also being alone forever. Just last week I freaked out because the porch light bulb blew and I was worried that it would look like we weren’t home and we would get robbed. I kid you not, my brain went there.
I was out to coffee with a friend who shared her struggle with fearing germs and sickness- to the point where she became OCD about hand washing, cleaning etc. and wondered how she would ever be a good mom someday. Another confided her fear of losing the most precious thing in the world, her children.
My point is not to feed your fears, give you new ideas, or be depressing in any sense. I want you to know that you are SO not alone! Fear is a feeling that overwhelms us so easily, yet it’s not ok, on any level.
The same friends who shared their stories to me over cups of coffee and relaxing afternoons gave me some of the best insight I’ve recieved in a long time.
“I was driving one day and realized that I was believing a lie. This was something I needed to fight for and take steps toward. Being a mom has always been on my heart, and the fear that I struggle with was only blocking me from my dream. I am choosing to believe truth. My fear is irrational.”
“I realized I had to let go. When I pictured the future, was I picturing it with God, or without Him? If i’m picturing a future where I’M in control, of course I have something to fear. But if I picture a future where He is at work, I realize that, even when I feel I am in control, I never was. He always is.”
And what about me?
Well, lucky for all of us I have a husband who is really a great addition to my life.
If I hear, “SPEAK LIFE KATIE” one more time I might slug him, but he’s right. I do need to practice speaking more life into my life, and I know he’s got my best interests at heart.
This year I am choosing. MORE LIFE, LESS FEAR. I don’t envision this being some epiphany I experience that leads directly to a peaceful, fearless life. I can almost guarantee you that tomorrow, I will wake up, see a pencil lying on the floor and panic over the thought that I could step on it, catapulting it into my eyeball. (THIS IS DRAMATIC AND MEANT TO BE A JOKE). But seriously, stuff is going to happen. I am at the brink of my life, not even fully engulfed in the flow of marriage and work and children, I can’t forsee what happens and I definitely can’t control it.
So what i’m saying is, i’m not expecting myself to be fearless.
I just wanna, fear LESS.